51st Plate Appearance

His lust sated, Adam is ready to pursue his other passion: fuckcrushing baseballs.

First pitch is low and outside - major league pitchers are clearly afraid of the Beautiful Blonde Beast - but Adam swings with fervor; strike one. Second pitch (no surprise) a ball well outside. Now comes a breaking ball low, Adam easily checks his swing, but home plate ump Bill Hohm calls it a strike. The big man can't believe it but, being genteel, only grits his teeth and nods.

Next pitch crushed down the first base line but foul. Thunderhammerbat is broken! But bat boy Kevin hauls out a replacement, - heftier than he himself. Adam swinging with wild abandon now, tips a ball foul.

Redemption now falls upon pitcher Cook, as Adam lifts the next ball toward Alpha Centauri. Center fielder Gonazales loses it as it sails above the lights. He waves his arms in despair, "I don't got it!" It falls to dead center field as Adam trots confidently to second base.

44th Plate Appearance

Adam takes command of the batter's box. First pitch a strike that sails right down the middle of the plate. Second pitch a slider outside. Afraid of going inside on the Big Butted Lumberman, mr. pitcher?

Third pitch golfed into center field for the out, to wrap up an action-packed 0 for 4 Dunnstravaganza.

43rd Plate Appearance

Adam comes in with pal Zimmerman on second, two outs. Nats leading 3-0.

First pitch a ball in the dirt. Wolf obviously terrified of the big man and his shithuge bat. Next pitch a questionable called strike at the cankles. Adam turns on a breaking ball inside - foul. Watches a ball miss the outside corner for a ball. Now Wolf misses inside - what a doofus.

Wolf's 100th pitch comes in contact with Adam's aforementioned shithuge bat, splintering it, and lopes gently to Prince Fielder who touches the bag for out three.

41st Plate Appearance - REDEMPTION

It's 65 degrees and sunny, and Washintonians have responded by showing up in drove. Ryan Zimmerman draws a Dunnesque walk with two outs, giving The Lumberjack some RBI fodder.

Adam is facing lefty Brewer Randy Wolf, but no defensive swings in store today as he takes a brobdignagian cut at the first pitch. That ball is greasefucking lucky Adam didn't make contact. On the following two pitches Wolf tries to tease Adam with some breaking balls down low, but the big man isn't interested. A canny backdoor slider brings the count to 2-2. Our protagonist swings at the fifth pitch and dribbles a ground ball to the second baseman who, in turn, gets the out at first.

ADAM DUNN IS BACK, BABY

40th plate appearance

It's overcast. 80 degrees at game start. It is Fireworks Night at Nationals Park, and it appears that approximately 500 faithful Nationals fans have taken the team up on the offer to come out tonight. A stiff wind has started to blow in over the outfield, and it ripples Adam's shirt as he steps in to the box. Rain threatens.

Cristian Guzman, who just poked a two-out single into right, takes a few steps off first. Yovani Gallardo shows no outward concern for a steal. He pitches a called strike to Adam. Adam steps out, spits.

The second pitch, another strike, and the third, high and away, Adam carefully watches speed by into Gregg Zaun's glove.

The fourth comes, and Adam watches it sink out of the zone. The fifth pitch dips into the dirt, and Adam gives his bat its first forward motion--a checked swing, and a full count for Adam.

The payoff pitch comes, and Adam checks another swing at another sinking pitch. With a neat little twirl, he tosses his bat to the ground and starts his familiar trot to first.

Andy Fletcher, third base umpire, however, rules on the appeal. "Adam went," his clenched fist says.

Adam can't believe it. Already halfway toward his beloved first base, he takes off his helmet and throws it to the ground; obscenity is palpable in the air as he strenuously contests the call.

Adam is ejected from the game.